No, this isn’t clickbait or a pisstake, I’m actually triggered. Earlier this evening I was on Twitter, having a bit of banter about the upcoming World Cup match, if you don’t know this is going on, I’m not sure where you have been…probably watching Love Island, #cantrelate. Anyways, moving swiftly on, as I said I left a comment on Sweden’s official Twitter saying something along the lines of “I can’t wait for you to wipe the floor with England, I love Sweden and can’t wait to visit one day”.
So… apparently not everyone agrees with that, football is football, and as I said about 30 times tonight, it’s not that deep. Now, I can hold my own with the big boys and defend myself, very often nothing phases me as it’s like Mr Joe Rogan himself said: “they are saying this because they are behind a screen, but if you saw them face to face it’d be a different story”. So basically, I troll the trolls, but today I’m embarrassed to say that I let my emotions get the better of me, which ended up in a full-scale anxiety attack, which then led to me becoming very angry and frustrated with myself.
So, let me backtrack slightly here, today I wrote a 7-page letter to the Compensation Service regarding the physical, the psychological and emotional abuse I suffered at the hands of my mother and the sexual abuse that I experienced, that my mother was aware of and did nothing about. My mother’s name was Nicola, my name is Nicole…I think you know where this is going.
My bestie and I often send each other audio recordings because it saves a lot of texting and so we can get what we need to say out quickly and calmy which helps us both when we’re having a wobble. So, I wrote that letter, and I felt nothing, this is my coping mechanism which I may have mentioned before, I’m very numb and matter a fact about my abuse. I said to my bestie that I felt nothing writing it, absolutely nothing, I just wanted to make sure I had given enough information.
Back to the football banter I mentioned above, as I said I was trolling the trolls as I mentioned and if you are on Twitter you know the deal, people jump on the bandwagon as they’ve no sense of humour and like to involve themselves and spread opinions and yadda, yadda, yadda and yeah. So there I was minding my own business, owning the trolls and having a blast and this guy who apparently couldn’t read decides to get his fifteen seconds of fame by thinking he could troll me, calls me Nicola. So I tell him not to call me Nicola, cos it triggers me. He does it again, and I lost my shit. I actually lost my shit.
I basically told the tonne of people on that one post, those liking and those commenting, that I was triggered, apparently, that was mistake number one, like don’t let people know it’s bothering you. So, after I lose my shit, he tells me he genuinely thought my name was Nicola. My name is clearly Nicole on Twitter like it’s clear as can be. He proceeded to tell me I’d a mouth like a whore how delightful.
I got myself so upset over this interaction that I took a massive panic attack and burst into tears. I called my other half and asked him to calm me down and talk it through. About thirty seconds after I told him and stopped crying I got so angry with myself, does anyone else get like that? I was so pissed because I felt like I was yet again letting this woman who had controlled my life get to me like she wasn’t even alive and she was still getting under my skin.
Why am I choosing to post this? Because, I think it’s crucial for us all to remember that if you have been a victim of abuse that there are triggers, it’s okay to have triggers and it’s okay to get pissed off for allowing the triggers to upset you when on any other given day it wouldn’t have an impact. This is all part of our healing process, it’s okay not to be okay, and it’s okay to let our emotions get the better of us, it’s like I always say “better out than in”. Usually, I’m talking about farts, but still… better out than in.
Don’t beat yourself up, don’t take Twitter to seriously and definitely don’t take football too seriously. Be mindful of your responses to people, be aware that there are people like me reporting anyone that I feel is being disrespectful to someone’s race, religion, sexual orientation or any attack on a protected character. This includes people that use the term “retard”, I cannot STAND that word.
There’s already so much evil in the world, don’t be one of those people, be kind to one another.
Love you guys, thank you all for the continued support. I promise to start back on my beauty reviews, soon.