So, I don’t know about you, but there is so much information on general shite out there, but no one ever talks about our lady kingdoms. Well, I like to talk shite about body parts and am a wee bit too obsessed with the inner workings of the body. It’s just something I’ve always been interested in, I thought that since no one seems to talk about our lady kingdoms and that it’s a topic I’m interested in, that I would share a bit of information I have learned and hopefully people will either find it useful, or it’ll give them a bit of a laugh.
So, let’s dive into the vagina, shall we? (Not literally)
It is completely normal to have discharge, believe it or not, it’s actually a sign of a healthy vagina. Every vagina has it’s own unique smell or scent. The taste of it (for the muff divers out there) can change, though. So for example, if you ate something very sweet like a pineapple or a Mango and then had your partner, or fuck buddy, a friend with benefits, takes a dive into the magical kingdom between your legs, they would notice a slightly different taste.
It’s the same as when you pee, have you ever went to the loo after eating Asparagus and opened your legs to wipe then are hit with the smell of Asparagus? Me, too. Me, too. It’s normal, so don’t worry about it.
However, if you notice a change in odour to your wee fanny, such as maybe a fishy smell (yes, fishy fanny is an actual real thing), or an odour despite the fact it’s just been freshly washed. That is a bad sign, it’s a sign of a possible infection.
Vagina’s are self-cleaning, that is basically that the discharge is. That isn’t me telling you to not bother washing your Vajay, wash your bloody Vajay don’t be a dirty bastard. I’m just letting you know that discharge is a good thing.
It can be different textures depending on the time of the month. For example, the most common is milky discharge, cloudy discharge, stringy discharge, it can change colour depending on the time of the month, infection (which we will get to) or your diet. Diet and nutrition are so important when it comes to your body and you’d be amazed that something as simple as your diet could impact on your lady kingdom.
If the colour or smell of your discharge changes from what you would deem to be “normal”, then you need to get to your GP asap for an antibiotic and a possible STI test (be safe kids, be safe).
2. Cleaning your lady kingdom
There are all these products out there that tell you to use them to wash your little love pearl (get it? Cos’ you’ve got lips and a clitoris which is the love pearl? No? Okay….sorry)
Don’t be fooled by these products, sometimes using perfumed products can be the actual cause of the un-normal discharge and smell. I’m not saying don’t use a body wash down there if you have before and it’s been grand. I’m saying be mindful of spraying fanny deodorant (yes, this is actually a real thing, I even Googled it to be sure) in or around your lady region to mask a smell. The smell is there because something is wrong so go to your GP.
DO NOT douche, do not insert soap inside you (why just why would you do that? Why would anyone admit they do that? For all they know their dad uses that soap to wash his balls.) You do not need to clean the INSIDE of your fanny, just the outside area surrounding it. If you decide to be the weirdo that inserts soap in their vagina, then you could be throwing off the good bacteria in your lady kingdom, and/or the pH balance which is extremely important for vagina health.
A. Thrush aka The Irritating Cunt
For the women reading this, I’m sure the majority of us have dealt with this in our womanhood. I think the Merican’s call this a Yeast Infection. For those of you who are unclear what thrush may look or feel like, let me explain.
The discharge is like a clumpy white discharge, it’ll smell quite yeasty (hence why Merican’s call it a Yeast Infection, they’re simple wee souls). Thrush can be associated with a lot of itching down there (this is also a symptom of genital warts and lice, or “crabs”). Thrush can be cleared up with topical creams like Canesten which has a cream, but my advice is to go to your GP/doctor, before purchasing Canesten (not sponsored), because 1. it’d expensive as fuck and 2. you need to have any other infection ruled out, first.
B. Bacterial Vaginosis (BV)
I’ve not experienced this myself *touch wood*, but ladies I’ve known that have experienced it would say it’s a lot worse than Thrush. BV is when the vaginal balance is totally off. It’s associated with a very strong fishy smell, which can worsen after sexual intercourse. It’s super common with people who have got very active sex lives. Don’t be thinking just because you haven’t experienced this that you’re not having enough sex, some of us are just very lucky.
The reason it’s super important to get it checked out, especially if you are trying for a little bundle of joy (no, not a puppy, a baby!) It has been linked to problems in pregnancy and has also been linked to miscarriage. I’m not saying that if you develop BV you will miscarry, I’m saying that if you do develop it, don’t be a twat and leave it. Go to your GP and get it sorted. A lot of people have no idea about the pregnancy part of it, so it’s really important that this message gets out there.
It’s also nothing to be embarrassed about, either. From the research, I’ve done (which is a lot as I like to know a lot about my body) women and girls are too ashamed to go and speak to their GP about this. If you are uncomfortable talking to a male GP about this then ask for a female or even the Practice Nurse. I’ve no issues going into a male doctor, I am usually comfortable talking about my body, mostly because I do tend to only go to a doctor about something like this if I feel it is really necessary.
Another thing to mention here, too. Wearing really tight clothing like sexy and tight underwear, “suck me in” knickers/shorts or really tight skinny jeans can wreak havoc on your little love pearl region. It’s because it’s all sucked in so tight that there is no room for your vagina to breathe, yes, your vagina can breathe, just not in the way you are thinking.
Cotton knickers/thongs/french knickers/shorts are you’re best friends. I’m not saying you have to wear big granny knickers if you think you are gonna get lucky, but choose knickers that have a bit of lace with little breathable holes that still allow your vulva to breathe. For those of you who don’t know what you’re vulva is, I’m here to educate, not discriminate, so have a wee look at the photo, below.
I’ve seen recommendations online to sleep with nothing near your little love cave. So, sleeping with no knickers or PJ bottoms on is the best thing to let as much air as possible at them cookies.
Something else the doctor never really tells you is that taking antibiotics for any reason can irritate down there. Even taking antibiotics for BV can lead to you getting a lovely helping of Thrush (because clearly your vagina hasn’t been traumatised, enough). Probiotics and natural yoghurt and/or garlic are great home remedies for antifungal and good probiotics. Handy for me because I love me garlic and yoghurt (not together). Also, did you know in the olden days that they would stick garlic inside a women’s vagina and if her breath smelled of garlic the next day then she was pregnant? No, me either… I don’t know if it’s even true, but if it is, please don’t do this.
Some symptoms of these types of infections (not to scare the bejesus out of you, but…) can be associated with uncontrolled diabetes and HIV so it’s deadly important that you go to your GP at the first sign of any of these. Don’t be a dafty and try to just fight through it, because you’re not a “medicine taking type of girl”.
Also, top tip for those whose partner love a golden shower in their face, (please don’t Google that) if they mention that your wee-wee tastes sweeter than normal, it’s a bad sign.
Yes, there people out there who drink other people’s piss as a sex fetish… hands up who wants me to do the weirdest sex fetishes known to womankind for my next blog post! – inserts hands up emoji, here – Some people even drink their own pee, I feel like that’s something Gywenth Paltrow would do. “It’s sterile, and I like the taste!” – Name that film.
Anyways, sweet wee wee, it’s a sign of diabetes. I can’t remember where I read that, I think it was Reddit, some guy who was a nurse (gotta love guy nurse) was “boning” some girl (his words, not mine) she often peed when he was… (see photo below)
Don’t know why she peed, don’t wanna know why she peed. Long story short, the taste of her pee changed, he told her it was a sign there was something wrong with her glucose levels or something which is a sign of onset Diabetes. She went and got checked out, he saved her life, I don’t know if they got married or had little babies, to be honest, I don’t want to know, but thought I’d mention it in case any of my readers are kinky freaks (I see you and I ACCEPT YOU. Please DM me with STORIES).
Moving swiftly on, my absolute fucking FAVOURITE (I’m clearly joking) infection of all the infections and the one I suffer from the most, drum roll, please…
C. The UTI
For those of you lucky bastards that don’t know what a UTI is. Let me explain, a UTI is a Urinary Tract Infection (hence UTI, at least the person that named this infection kept it simple). It is THEE WORST of the lot in my opinion and is the one I seem to get the most I only ever get it after sex and only if I don’t pee after sex.
A UTI is the experience of frequently needing to piss, accompanied with a nice burning sensation in yer pee hole (aka your urethra). The frequent need to pee is usually accompanied with the burning sensation I mentioned and the fact that not only can you not pee, but it feels like someone has stuck a needle in your urethra. Just a note, if you attempt to pee and blood comes out, GO TO A&E (for the American’s, non-U.K. readers that’s the Emergency Department).
The urethra is around 4 cm long, so when you have this it’s like there is a 4 cm needle in there, pic below of the sorta size I’m talking about.
A UTI is also known as Cystitis and it is the inflammation of the bladder. it usually happens when bacteria from outside the body gets into our urethra, somehow. It is so easy for it to happen, E Coli is usually a common culprit of this, but like I mentioned above if you are having lots of lovely sexy time with your partner, fuckbuddy, friends with benefits or whoever you are having sex with (not whatever, WHOEVER, WHO being HUMAN, if your into sex with animals send me your address so I can come hit you repeatedly with a hammer).
If you’re a virgin, you can, unfortunately, still get this bastarding infection. It’s more common in girls and women than it is in men, but men can still get this. Basically, the reason it’s more common in women is how close our vagina is to our buttholes.
There are several things you can do to help stave off a UTI and the majority of it is really just common sense.
- Wipe front to back – To save any further embarrassment for anyone else, I’ve included a crap diagram, below.
I found this video which I found actually hilarious, if not slightly weird (dirty doves) which basically tells you how and why you need to wipe not only your vagina but your butt properly (garbage pants anyone?)
- Pee after sex, simple pimple. We love a good post-sex cuddle as much as the next cuddle monster, but it’s so important to do this. You might think, “Well, I don’t need to pee”. Drink some water, do what you need to do, but get that fountain of urine going and do not go sexy time, again until you have had a piss!
- Some people, like I’ve mentioned above, may be sensitive to perfumed products, so be very careful when washing your lady bits. I’m grand with this type of thing, but I’m huge on trying to use natural type shower gels that have more natural ingredients (usually coconut or shea butter) and are cruelty-free as opposed to highly manufactured “scents”. Always, please always check for products that HAVEN’T been tested on animals, if you could do anything for me, it would be to do that. Don’t support that stuff, it’s actually awful.
- I actually cannot believe I’m about to write this, but farting.
You’re probably thinking, “what has farting got to do with fanny hygiene?” I don’t know how to say this, but, some people haven’t learnt how to properly wipe their bums after having a poop.
So, there is a high possibility there will still be poop particles around that area. If a woman is sitting and the way she is sitting means that the fart can’t escape the way it usually does, there is only one way to go and that is to travel in its wee fart bubble around the front and to pop at the vagina.
Yes, there is a possibility of you getting poo particles UP there. Wash your butts people, wash your butts! Side note, this is also how you can develop pink eye (people who haven’t wiped their bums properly, exposing their bare butt and farting on someone’s face or, pillow). Google that at your own risk.
- Another tip is for when you’ve unfortunately got a UTI, Cranberry Juice, love it or hate it but it’s one of the best things I can recommend for anyone who has a UTI and doesn’t want to go down the medicinal route. There is an active ingredient in cranberries that can prevent adherence of bacteria to the bladder wall, particularly E. coli. However, there’s a bit on confliction on this topic, some medicinal professional says it works, others don’t. For me, personally, it has worked in the past. I even have dissolvable Cystitis sachets that have Cranberry and baking soda in them.
- Baking soda, this is something my Nan and my mam did if they ever got a UTI. I didn’t know what caused their UTI’s and I never want to. They put a spoonful -gags- of baking soda in water, mixed it around and downed it -vomits-. As you can probably tell, I won’t do this, I refuse to, it’s the most disgusting thing I ever had in my mouth, ever and I have had man parts in my mouth before. Does it work? It seemed to work for them, but it could be the power of the brain (ooooohhh, Science!)
- DRINK WATER, don’t come at me with “oh not the fucking water drinkers coming for us again with all its benefits”. Look, I LOVE and I mean LOVE fizzy juice, whether it’s Coca-Cola, Diet Coke, Fanta, whatever I LOVE it. Recently, though I have started drinking more water, because I know it’s good for me. I’m not going to preach, all I am going to say is your vagina will thank you. This is just another way of getting the UTI gone.
- Self-love (or masturbation) I know you may read this and think, “Seriously?” Firstly, anyone who says that they haven’t tried a bit of self-love at least once, I don’t trust, at this point in 2018, there is just no way that could be true.
So, self-love nothing wrong with it, it’s in fact VERY healthy, I’m sure the majority of us know the benefits of an orgasm for boosting moods (serotonin chemical amongst others), etc. Where does this come in with vagina hygiene? Simple, ensure you wash your toys BEFORE and AFTER each use.
That might seem overkill to some people, but better safe than sorry. Wash your hands, BEFORE and AFTER every use and when cleaning yourself up whether it be in the shower or washing your lady kingdom, FRONT to BACK, I cannot stress enough how important that is.
I thought that was enough “scary” or hopefully “insightful” information for one night. I hope this was useful to you all. For the male reader’s out there, I do think this is an important topic for you, too. If you are straight, or are gay and have a close friendship with a female friend, it’s good information to have to hand.
I, personally, don’t struggle with talking to my partner or friends about this type of thing, I probably overshare (sharing is caring), if I’m honest but I cannot stress enough how important it is to know your own body and check for this type of thing.
Until next time,
Take care and be safe,